The Alternative Press

Greetings sports fans!  Super Sunday is fast approaching and if you are like me, you probably want to catch up with the latest Super Stories so you can hold your own at your Super Family Super Bowl Party. 

Super.  Let’s get started. 

This year the NFL Super Bowl XLVII pits the AFC Baltimore Ravens against their NFC siblings, the San Francisco 49ers. 

Always angling for a clever tag, the media have dubbed this year’s competition, The Harbowl, because in case you have been sleeping under your brother’s bunk bed for the past two weeks, this year’s Super Narrative is all about the coaching Harbaugh Brothers—John Harbaugh, coach of the Baltimore Ravens, and younger brother Jim, coach of the San Francisco 49ers.   

Not since Nintendo created Super Mario Brothers have TV screens been filled with such heightened genealogical coverage.  Move over Manning brothers.  Move over Sharpe brothers.  Move over brothers Jones and Barber and Grimm. 

Move over Serena and Venus.   

It’s time for sibling stories of interest where there are none, its time for . . .  BROTHER BOWL XLVII.

What more could we ask for?  The Jonas Brothers at half time?

Apparantly not.  This year we will have to settle for Beyoncé who will be singing as an only child sans her group, Destiny’s Child.   But rumor has it she will be joined by her husband Jay-Z and his brothers Cray-Z and Aytoo-Z.

And just in case you are worried that Beyoncé will be lip-synching her way through the Star Spangled Banner before the game, fear not.  In a fitting gesture of brotherly love, Alicia Keys will sing the National Anthem, which was penned by her older brother Francis Scott Key after he observed the battle of Baltimore in the war of Super Bowl 1812.

This year, Brothergate (this is why I am not hired to produce clever media tags) will be broadcast on CBS with Jim Nantz doing the play by play and Phil Simms doing the color commentary.   Although the seasoned announcers are not brothers, it was widely speculated that they shared alternating vocal turns as Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend.

On the Baltimore side of the line of scrimmage the big story this year is retiring safety Ray Lewis.  Ray has a younger brother who once played on the San Francisco  practice squad behind star 49er running back Frank Gore, who in a recent interview respectfully admitted, “I love Ray Lewis.  He is like a brother to me.”

Of course, most of us are more familiar with Frank Gore’s older brother Al, who lost Super Bowl 2000 in Florida to George Bush, older brother to Jeb and Reggie Bush of the Miami Dolphins.

And what would this year’s Super Bowl be without a dramatic domestic quarterback story?  On Sunday, San Francisco quarterback Colin Kaepernick will be squaring off against Ravens hurler Joe Flacco.  

Flacco and Kaepernick are identical twins who were separated at birth on FaceBook.   You can tell them apart because Joe will be wearing a white jersey and Colin will be wearing tatoos.  Plus Colin looks like Abe Lincoln and is several years younger than his twin brother Joe.

And what of receiver Mario Manningham?  He added a “ham” to his name so that he would not be confused on the field with Eli Manning, brother to Peyton Manning of the AFC Denver Broncos, team offspring to John Denver and Bronko Nagorski, who were defeated by the Baltimore Ravensham in the playoffs. 

I could be wrong about this one.

But not this: Ravens receiver Anquan Boldin has a brother DJ who plays in the Canadian Football League for the Toronto Argonauts.  It’s true!  Look it up!  He also has another brother, Anikin, who plays for the Federation football league in a galaxy far far away.

Also look for exciting play from Terrell Suggs and Randy Crabtree, neither of whom have family names I want to make fun of.

OK, now grab those cough drops and a hankie!  During the game, choke on the backstories surrounding players Alex Smith, Justin Smith, Torrey Smith, Aldon Smith, and Jimmy Smith.  Surely they must be related.  Fraternity brothers?

Oh, and don’t miss veteran Randy Moss, who by coincidence is no relation to pro football brothers Santana and Sinorice Moss.  After coming out of retirement, could this be the year he takes home a Super Bowl ring?

Of course, in addition to team rings, the winner of this year’s Super Bowl will take home the coveted Lombardi Trophy.  

As most fans of football history know, the famous Trophy brothers, Lombardi, Heismann, Oscar, and half-brother Stanley Cup, were award show entertainers in Green Bay, Wisconsin. 

Still super skeptical?  Consider this: everyone is connected by six degrees to Kevin Bacon, and by association, the Bacon Brothers.

Enjoy the game, bro!